As a working mom in veterinary medicine, I am occasionally on the receiving end of comments such as “I don’t know how you do it,” usually from well-meaning friends, clients, or coworkers who may only see glimpses of the challenges that can arise from trying to excel as both a parent and a veterinary professional. To be completely honest, some days I’m not sure how I do it myself. It can feel like a never-ending tug of war between all the competing demands on my time, energy, and attention, sometimes devolving into chaos.
I’ve learned quite a bit from my years as both a working professional and a parent, from my many mistakes, and from my research for my recently published book, Pregnancy and Postpartum Considerations for the Veterinary Team. Here, I share what I consider to be some of the most important lessons that have improved my quality of life and helped me feel more successful in both roles.
Stop trying to do everything (at least at the same time)
There are so many cliches that have been associated with being a working parent. Perhaps none is so toxic than the idea of “having it all.” Sure, we can build a life that feels like it has all the things that are most important to us. But when we put so much pressure on ourselves to continually add to our responsibilities without taking anything away, we put ourselves on the fast track to burnout. It’s sometimes easy to feel invincible as a young adult, but eventually our bodies and our minds will feel the effects of the push to continually do more.
Becoming a parent is such a monumental and life-altering event that warrants a reevaluation of priorities, needs, and responsibilities. This is the time to learn how to say NO. Otherwise, you will eventually be saying NO to your own health and wellbeing. For a working veterinary parent, this might look like adjusting scheduling, reducing hours, changing jobs, redistributing the workload between partners in the home, hiring paid help, subscribing to a meal delivery service, or accepting help from friends or family.
Be OK with letting people down
One of the hardest parts of saying NO or changing priorities is accepting that not everyone will understand or be happy with the decisions you make. Letting people down might look like declining extra work projects or responsibilities, not making every one of your child’s after school practices or games, not being available for work events that take place outside of your regular working hours, or having to call out of work last minute when a child is sick.
For those who struggle with guilt or people-pleasing, letting others down can feel painful and embarrassing. For some, it may be helpful to work through some of these feelings with a therapist or a trusted friend. Trying to reframe some previously held beliefs around letting others down can help working parents let go of their guilt and make the best decisions for themselves and their families without feeling shame.
It won’t always be like this
Working parents who are in a particularly challenging stage of either parenting or their professional life can easily fall into the mindset trap that they will be stuck in that phase forever. It can be helpful to be mindful that phases pass, children grow up, and their needs change. Workplace stressors, such as client demand and staff shortages, can also change with time.
Having said that, if changes can be made that will significantly improve quality of life, make them! Ask for more support from your partner with childcare and household tasks. Request a schedule change at work. Leave a toxic workplace. Hire a house cleaner. Skip out on the travel sports team for your child if the time commitment is too much.
It’s up to you to say something
No one can read your mind. Those around you are likely spending way more energy thinking about themselves than they are thinking about what you are feeling or what you need. Even if they somehow know what you might want or need, they are unlikely to feel that it is their place to speak for you.
If there is something that you need or want, or something you need to change, you must be the one to advocate for it. Waiting for others to respond to your needs or to even notice what they are when you have not articulated them is an exercise in disappointment. So, whether it’s your partner, your boss, your childcare provider, or your family, try to find a way to ask for what you need or set a boundary.
Being a working parent is so hard. I’m not going to tell you to enjoy every moment, because I don’t. I am going to tell you to give yourself grace. Being a parent can make you a better veterinary professional and working in vet med can make you a better parent. But also, you don’t have to do all the things all the time. You are doing so much better than you think. And if you have a “crazy” idea of something you want to do, whether in vet med or something else, don’t be afraid to go after it!