Here we are once again. Motor whirring, suction starts. I feel like a cow. I’m tied to this chair by tubing. Can’t hold the baby or the toddler because they pull on the tubes and push the bottles out of the way. I tried the self-contained pumps, but they didn’t work for me. Readjust the flanges. Milk letdown can be both painful and a welcome relief from the pressure. Pumping before work. Need three more ounces. For today. “Are those bottles of milk?” asks the toddler.
At home, I pump in the open. People come and go, ask and tell me things. Only got 2.5 ounces, but that will have to do. Pack up the bottles, my second pump and pump parts. So many bags, it’s hard to get out the door. My purse. The bottle bag. My lunch. Huge tote bag with pump and parts and bottles. Carrying the baby on my hip. Sometimes the toddler helps, sometimes he refuses. I hurt my back again leaning over to pick up the bag he won’t help me carry.
At work I hide to pump. Both for privacy, and because it makes others uncomfortable. Sometimes I get a nice private office with a locking door. Sometimes I get an empty exam room with the door blocked with a chair and a do not disturb sign on the door. Sometimes I am offered a room with a glass door that doesn’t lock or a bathroom. I go to my car. I hear them saying I am taking a “break.” I know that I never stop working. Do they think it’s a break? Sometimes I think they just don’t want to say the word pump. So I say it.
Sometimes I type notes while I pump. Sometimes I eat my lunch while pumping. I hope there will be enough room in the fridge for my milk. I hope I will have enough time to get caught up on my records and my cases without having to stay late. The afternoon pumping break is often more challenging. Cases run late. I need to pump, but I have 2 clients waiting on me to tell them what is wrong, if their pet will be ok. I prioritize my patient and my client who need me. My tech tells me to go pump. The case can wait until I come back. I am grateful.
I pump again on the drive home. In my mind no one can tell what I am doing from outside my car. I hope I am not wrong. I hope I have enough to not have to pump again that night. Usually I’m back there at 11 PM, falling asleep over my pump. I have no freezer stash. I must maintain my supply every day. No breaks. I am lucky though. Some women set alarms to get up in the middle of the night to pump. I only feed the baby at night. Some women pump 8-10 times per day, after breastfeeding and bottle-feeding. I don’t usually pump more than 4 times. I’m lucky for a good dishwasher to throw everything in every night. I’m lucky my baby is starting solid food and taking one less bottle per day. I’m lucky I produce just enough milk. I say I will pump extra on the weekends, but then I don’t.
I love seeing my baby grow and thrive. I love seeing him smile at me. I don’t usually feed him bottles, but when I do, I love that too. I’m almost done with pumping forever. Not breastfeeding, but pumping. I won’t miss the work, or the exhaustion. I’m grateful to have had it as an option. I’m grateful for the support I receive.
All women (and all parents) deserve support and protection for their efforts to feed their babies. To all women who pump, at home or at work, I see you. I know the struggle and challenges that go along with it. Be proud of all you do, no matter how frustrating and exhausting it can be. You know what is best for your baby, for your family, and for you. And you are doing it.