As a mom of 4 kids, I’d like to think that over the years and with experience there are some things that I’ve gotten better at. I’m pretty good at cooking a meal with a baby on my hip or in a carrier. And I’ve gotten better at teaching my kids to do things for themselves instead of always doing things for them. But for me, there are some things that have not gotten any easier, at least emotionally. Dropping my little ones off at daycare is quite possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And I get to do it over and over again.
Cue the mom guilt. Why is it so hard to leave our children in capable, safe and loving hands while we go earn a living for our families? Is it all the oxytocin, the “love hormone” that has bonded us to our babies in ways we didn’t think were possible? Is it the unconditional, undying love we have for our children that makes us reconsider any other life decision or priority we had previously? Is it all the milestones and special moments we worry we will miss out on, or the way our child says “I want to stay home with you today mommy!”? Is it all of the inconsiderate comments about our children being “raised by other people,” that you’re “not a full-time mom,” or that our kids are “going to have to be on their own from now on” when we discuss sending them to daycare? Yeah, all of those things have been said to me. Thanks, I appreciate that.
Don’t forget the concerns about infectious disease (Covid and otherwise) exposure, trouble with sleep schedules and/or bottle feeding. Then there’s the relatively short period of time women in the US are typically afforded to stay home with their babies before being expected to be back at work when compared to other countries. Add on top of that postpartum anxiety and/or depression and sleep deprivation. And perhaps the most challenging part of it all, our expectations of ourselves as mothers and our criticism of ourselves for perceived failures. If you are anything like me, you’ve had lots of thoughts like “I should be doing more for them” or “He probably doesn’t even know that I love him.”
Does this sound like you?
With all of these factors swirling around inside of you, you walk to the door of the daycare classroom, hand your sweet baby (or toddler) to the teacher, kiss their soft, perfect cheek, whisper “I love you” and try to turn around and walk away with the literal pain that feels like a knife sunk into your chest. The newborns and young babies typically don’t cry. They are happy as long as their needs are met. This is both comforting and painful at the same time. The older babies and toddlers may also be content to be in their familiar surroundings, or they may reach for you longingly or even cry. This breaks your heart again. You still must turn around and walk away.
You must try to shift gears so that you do not stay in that place of hurt. So that you can be productive at whatever the day holds for you. You may relish the kid-free time to use different parts of your brain and body, to interact with other adults. At the same time you may count the hours and minutes until you see your little one(s) again. You may check in periodically throughout the day to see how they are doing. Now there are apps with pictures, status updates and video streams that make the world a little bit smaller.
Hopefully you make it home in time for a sweet, sweet reunion. That look in their eyes when they first see you, the embrace, the snuggles, all is right in the world again. Sometimes you just get a few minutes and they are off to sleep. Sometimes sleep cannot wait for you to get home. However it works out, you are there and your little one is loved.
You may have hours of work to prepare for the next day to do it all over again: dinner, regular household chores, washing clothes, bottles, pumping, preparing meals for the next day. You may wonder what it is all for. Maybe you’ll decide to make a change so there are fewer “hurry ups” and “goodbyes” in the morning. Or maybe you’ll decide that those moments of stress and heartache are balanced out by the fulfillment of knowing your child is safe, well cared-for and always confident of your love for them, while you hopefully fill your own cup as you provide for your family.
For those of you out there doing the daycare drop off, sometimes while wiping back tears, just remember your kids are fine, and what they will remember most is your love for them. And for those who see their coworkers with young kids arrive at work looking like they’ve already lived a full day, they probably have. Be sure to give them an encouraging word as they start their day.